The Journal - Failure

I have to make personal condolences to Anime Kabayan and Genjo Sanzo on their Father who passed away yesterday during my Coverage of Toycon.

It's going to be a sad Father's day for them.

Again, from me and my family, I condole with them in their mourning.
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I had not written a very personal blog for a long time. I think now it's the right time to do this again, because I cannot let this thing happen again.

When they said that Thirteen (13) was the unluckiest number, I think I have fallen prey to that.

June 13, 2009, The First Day of The 8th Philippine Toycon.


I arrived at the mall 5 minutes before 2pm, and I arrived at the event area 10-15 minutes later. I was not ready to make a firsthand report because I have not been in the event for 30 minutes, So I had to make a preliminary analysis to ZOH News.

I went first to the HeroTV Booth to meet my old bosses, Sir Ruel Ferrer and Ate DJ Hernandez with Pappy George Salire, We made hellos and asked some issues that concerned HeroTV, then met with Kuya Arjay at the event site to find for the cosplayer's area.

I was at my most excited state during the first 2 hours. During that time, I have already sent the first SMS report. And at around 4pm, I saw Paolo.

Okay, I saw him, but he only greeted me lamely, a simple "hi", that's all. I wanted to talk to him, but he was too busy.

Then, about the time I wanted to do my first call. Suzaku came.

I was so stricken, first because I am tired from work earlier before (having just arrived at the house barely before 10am), and then nobody except those I had met were keen on talking to me.

At around 4pm. I filed my first and last audio report from the Megatrade, I was doing the reportage while I was having my eyes at Suzaku and the others. I was doing the report as loudly as possible, so that Suzaku can hear what the hell am I doing right now. I am losing my words while doing that report. But I don't care. I want Suzaku to hear my report Loud and Clear to the brink of losing my voice. I am also so nervous at the time I was filing it. But I tried to calm myself and compose while bringing in the report to our Otakus who are not able to join in.

I ended the call at around 4:40pm, and I tried to go down first to lose some steam, I was tired, and here. I saw Suzaku. At that time, I contemplated, I don't see the point going to Toycon. But I have a duty first as an otaku then second as the Chief Anime Correspondent. I have to do my job for the otakus, So then and there, I decided to continue.

I went back to the event venue and took some more pictures. Then at around 5pm. Suzaku, Paolo and their companions arrived at the event area. I was at the Hero booth talking with my supervisor Ate DJ. I approached Kuya G and made a silly rendition of "Pappy mo ako" to hide my nervousness.

Fast forward to 7pm. They had decided to go home. I had decided too to follow them,, If they go home at MRT, I will go home too but earlier. Not my normal time to go home to an event, but what the hell. I am doing this so I can urge him to talk.

I Followed them. I looked like crazy or looked like an Idiot, BUT I DIDN'T CARE!

I wanted to talk.

At the MRT Ortigas station. I was ready to ride at the same coach as theirs. But as the door opened. when I went inside the same coach. They changed coaches, and I tried to join them in the same coach. But in just a split second. The Doors closed. and the train left.

I was there, at the station, Fuming.

I was still fuming when I went back to Megamall. Heavily depressed.

A few hours more, while I was reading at Powerbooks. My eyes dripped tears. I realized that today, I experienced the greatest Failure ever, while I was having a supposedly great time at the Toycon.

I was crying when I went home, and after I arrived, Changed clothes, never ate and slept.

During the time I was sleeping. I had dreamed again a Suzaku dream, but that was the opposite. I was rushing towards him, and then he talked to me.

Yeah, to me that was a dream. But the events yesterday were a nightmare.

I never felt so lower in my life. I decided earlier not to continue with my training, and also I have decided also to my parents not to force me to work on weekends.

And then here, at this very moment, I saw Suzaku, but he tried to Block me.

I was ready to accept his punches, but Paolo does not want to do it.

I reiterate. I DON'T CARE WHETHER I WILL LET GO OR NOT. I WILL DIE PURSUING THIS FRIENDSHIP.


I have decided then and there. I will accept death by being punched by someone I know like my bestfriend rather than to be assassinated by an unknown assailant.


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Yesterday, I thought, was the day of Failures. I failed my Parents, I failed my Friends, I failed my Mission, I failed in everything.


And It was my own goddamned fault.

That Is why I am leaving you all with a question. because I have been thinking heavily these past hours.


Did I fail You all as my Friends?

I want to know!


Because If I never failed you, There wouldn't be a Suzaku right now going to punch me or not talking to me.




And that's the way it is.